I try, try and try to find a way to accept my N dad for who he is. I try to grant him grace and look past his effin lazy, selfish, entitled, grump of a effin asshole he is... someone if I'd only ever met on the street, knowing the type of pos he is I'd write his off in a heartbeat..... I try so effin hard to push past and hope that something will get thru to him and he actually takes some form of accountability, self reflect and

But no... it's always an exercise in futility because it never goes anywhere.

He doesn't deserve my mother, he doesn't deserve me.... (which is why I finally decided to go no contact) but it sucks because I love my mother so much, yet she never left him. And thus Im forced to be around him.

There's so much I can get get into, the layers of his bs, but I'm going to stop myself because it's too overwhelming....

I just wish he'd disappear. Get out of our lives. Have a stroke and become invalid, something.... just die already. And then I hate myself for even having such thoughts --- feel worse writing them out like this.

But god, if only y'all knew just how much better our lives would be on so many different levels if this foo was out of our fuckin lives.

As a kid you grow up feeling like something's off but as an adult you not only truly understand that things are way off but also have to grapple with the gravity of......

Sorry, too pissed to finish. I hate that I was cursed with such a shit person as my father... and hate that I feel this way and could ever say this about him.